Don't know what you mean by being a mirror narcissist but it definitely seems as if you struggle with something on the spectrum other than NPD. If anything I would call it someone who had been around and reaped the (non) benefits of a close N, I assume your father. Must suck to have the feelings you have about yourself. Used, low self esteem, never good enough not getting the relationships you seek. I grew up with parents who did have issues (non-classified of course) but I guess my ways of finding my own path led me to a different way. I chose what I want in relationships and never feel as if I owe anyone anything. Sure I will do things for others but mostly to gain what I seek in other ways. If I want a friend it's pretty simple, I just don't have the want anymore especially after the last person I was real tight with died suddenly. I too seek perfection in all I do, I guess the difference between you and I with this is that I find what I do to be great. Maybe with you it seems what is happening is that you try to hard with other people. Most people do not appreciate someone who is trying hard to be friends, maintain a relationship that is often one sided becomes abuse in some way or another. Set your goals much lower when it comes to friends, sure it's fun to go out with people but after that what is so worth the feeling of neglect you have. All people whether they are disordered or not have their own agendas, more times than none you will be let down if you live life expecting others to treat you the way you seek. Life for your bitterness and don't rely on another to make you better. When I was younger I was a misguided youth, I was in yo nothing but bad habits and doing bad things. I lived by the rule of always have your friends back no matter what. In doing so I was most loyal to people I considered friends. I lived the way I wanted and expected to. As I got older I realized more and more that not only narcissists live for themselves but normal people do as well. Sure all my friends were always people with troubled pasts as we seem to gravitate towards each other always. Problem is none lived the way I viewed and did. Loyalty never seems so important to most as I have learned over and over again. I had two best friends in my life, two that always lived like me and was a lot like me. Both are dead! I don't waste my time with nonsense anymore. Sure I have many people I see out who know me and we speak. My wife always refers to me as the mayor when we're out. Honestly I don't care about all the hellos and bs talks we have with others. I live now for me and the people under my roof after that I really don't care to invest efforts in to others. What in getting at is if you continue to go after the bait you will continue to get stuck in the trap your in. F$@& people and try to live for you. Now get of my couch and he better as I have just gifted you!!!
Today's role is therapist
The Underground