Hi dawnindark, welcome to PC and the PTSD forums. Good for you that you have decided to post and got your thoughts together to do so. No need to appologize, your post is not too long. This is a place you can come and write out as much as you need to, you did fine.

Self blaming and guilt is very common with individuals that struggle with PTSD. It is very common that the person challenged says "sorry" a lot too. The mind is very confused when someone struggles with PTSD and that is what an individual is sorry about the most, often it is hard to articulate the challenge itself and the individual struggling really does need help, but often what happens is the individual doesnt know where to begin and they are sorry that they don't know how to explain their need to another individual that might be listening. However, the desire to make an effort to talk it out and have another individual "help" and comfort is very strong.

You had things happen to you in your childhood that were bad, most likely overwhelmed you at times too. That challenge continued into your teens and while you survived, you did not have a chance to find the right kind of help where you were told, it's ok, that is not your fault, that individual is really being "toxic" and you just don't know what to do about it. Often what has happened when an individual was exposed to dysfuntional and toxic individuals, was that these individuals tended to blame them when it really was not their fault. What tends to develop through no fault of the child/young adult is a "victim mentality". That doesn't mean the victim is stupid or should be sorry, all it means is that victim did not experience individuals that they could feel safe with and trust.

With that challenged history, many of the negative or abusive experiences were stored in the brain in different places, some of these places don't have language to them, often these areas are more in the emotional and visual and auditory areas of the brain. Flashbacks can happen where an individual sees pictures when they were experiencing something threatening in some way. However, flashbacks can be experienced where there are no pictures, but feeling the emotions that were felt during a threating situation/experience. It can be very hard to put these flashback type experiences into words and there is a sense of "how will anyone believe this?".

It is understandable that where you are the professionals struggle to speak your language and they know that is something important, especially if they are knowledgable about PTSD. PTSD already presents a feeling that others will not understand it, so it's not good to see a therapist who struggles to speak your language.
I know a lot now about PTSD, however if I had to help someone who spoke a language I could not speak, what I know will not help.

At least you have the internet so you can have access to others who do understand your challenge and can listen and talk back to you in a way you can understand.

The important first step for you is to find a place that you can feel "safe' in. It doesn't have to be a big place either, it could be your bedroom or any place you can go where you will not be disturbed and can have quiet and space if you experience a flashback of somekind or have a PTSD cycle so you have a quiet place to be until the trigger/cycle runs it's course.

What I had to learn is that when I have a PTSD cycle/flashback of some kind, that it comes in like a wave, crests, and then slowly receeds. I have had to learn to be "patient" and instead of fighting it or allowing it to further frighten me, instead do my best to wait it out, find something I can focus on or hold or touch that allows me to know whatever I am experiencing is not "now", but just a memory of something "passed". What has helped me, and works for many who struggle is acknowledging "yes, I remember, that did happen, but it's not happening now". As your conscious mind realizes what ever you are experiencing is in the "past" and not now, your conscious mind is teaching you how to know whatever you are experiencing is really not "now" and when you do that, it actually reduces the impact of whatever flashback/cycle you are experiencing.

Here is something to think about that can help you. We are designed in a way, and animals have the as well, that when we experience anything that is a threat, we remember it with a lot more than just a simple memory, we have to be like that otherwise, we would not have survived, all animals have to have this extra sensory dimension to them so they learn what things in their enviornment can be dangerous.

A child can accidentally touch a hot burner on a stove not knowing what that hot burner means. When they touch that burner they feel pain, they feel fear, they cry, they pull away and they remember that hot burner in many ways so the next time they see that burner red, they know it can hurt them if they go near it or touch it. They also imprint of sense of guilt for not knowing that burner was harmful, well, that is so that the child will really remember that danger. Their body is designed to also remember the pain they felt too. With a child, or young animal, they cry and look for a parent to comfort them so they can feel safe again, this too happens with animals.

One of the things I do myself is work with horses/ponies that for some reason experienced some kind of bad training/neglect/abuse. Each one of them had something they grew frighened of or did not learn right away and were punished for it. So, I have had to figure out what they are confused about and frightened of, and slowly, and patiently help them get past that by doing the activity over and over again until that pony or horse realizes they can do whatever it is and not have to be afraid or think they will get punished somehow. I have been in fact "a rescuer". And that is what a hurt confused human being also looks for, or learns to do better when that "rescuer" helps them.

Now, you have "complex PTSD" right? That means that you spent too much time with individuals who did not help you learn and grow "safely", and when you did not know how, in some situations, you may have been punished. So what is happening with you is that you remember the things you did not know how to do, and you also remember that you were punished for what you did not know too. A therapist is someone who can sit and listen to you and help you feel safe and finally learn how to do things without that fear of failing and being punished. A good therapist is someone who, with a caring confidence and knowledge, can help you slowly learn how to overcome whatever hurt you, and learn how to get better at understanding healthier ways to protect yourself and slowly regain your sense of self esteem and self worth.

My daughter got a horse that had been pushed much too hard and punished too much by a horse trainer and was in such bad condition that he associated many things with pain and punishment. He did not like the saddle because the trainer had put one on him that did not fit and hurt him, he would not go into a riding ring because he learned that when he did he would be punished and leave that riding ring hurting. Most of the normal language he was taught that told him to move forward was now confusing because he was told to move forward even when it hurt him to do so. When he was afraid and uncertain, instead of being gently encouraged, he was hit/beaten/punished so he learned to associate being uncertain with being beaten or punished. He ended up lame and back sore and very, very confused.

So, when my daugther got him, first she had to have a vet help her figure out how he was hurt, where, and how to help him heal physically. She could not ride him in a riding ring, she could not put a saddle on him either, so she started riding him bareback down a trail and in a field so he could slowly learn to "trust" her. She had to be very patient with him because all the normal signals he had learned that meant "go forward" were very confused. So, she had to slowly get him to understand that when "she" used these signals, it was ok to pay attention and move forward again. It was a lot of work for my daughter, and she did not even know if she could fix all the damage that this poor young horse now had. Somedays he would show her that he was learning and he seemed to do well, but the next day it would seem like he really forgot all that had been achieved the day before, so again she had to be PATIENT and teach him slowly all over again. Many times this horse would be so confused about the signals to move forward that he would get very frustrated and plant himself and rear up. My daughter had to be VERY PATIENT with that and make sure not to PUNISH HIM. She would wait it through, not let it throw her out of the saddle, and gently ask him again. She had to take out the punishment part. PATIENCE, PATIENCE, PATIENCE ((dawnindark)). This poor young abused horse had to LEARN it was ok to go forward. His learning that did not happen overnight, and it was possible that he may never learn, but my daugther PATIENTLY worked with him day after after day that turned into weeks, and even months. He did learn to go forward, he learned to go back into the riding ring, he learned that a saddle can not hurt, HE LEARNED.

This is what you need too, and it does take time and PATIENCE. No, it's not your fault anymore than it was that young horse's fault.

((Hugs))
OE