I am sorry you are struggling, it's very confusing and tends to be hard on a relationship too. So you have been out of the service for 5 years now? Have you had any help since then to assimilate back into civilian life? What you have discribed is something that does challenge a lot of Vets that saw action and did tours as you have discribed. Especially Army because you were in combat correct?

For a man who gets involved with a combat unit, that relationship that takes place forms a deep relationship for a man that is not something that takes place in civilian life. It is this very deep connection that is missed and leaves a void, is also very hard for a vet to articulate. These men connect not only mentally, but physically as they have to in order to survive as a unit. The mind that develops in combat uses a very different part of the brain, and tends to run on a very unique adrenelin/hyper aware that involves activating senses that are nowhere to be found in civilian life. Part of the reason a vet begins to feel more himself in that environment and offers to do more tours even, is because he has gotten used to all that this kind of intense relationship entails. That is not something your wife can give you, or even understand, oh if only right?

What "can" help is if you could be around other men that understand this challenge and have made progress on managing it better, it can be that connect that your wife or another civilian cannot provide.

I can imagine it must be very hard to figure out how to reconnect to functioning on a level of suddenly being in a situation where none of the skills you learned and learned so deeply on a subconscious level are no longer required. It's not that much different for a person who spent their life in a work routine and retires and suddenly is at a loss of what to do with himself. That is a very real challenge and while the last tour showed more of a change, truth is you had been going though that change for a long time. Think about it, and you will realize I am right.

If you don't mind my asking, "what to you want"? Is there something you say to yourself that you don't share with others because you feel these others wont understand?