I'm going through one right now. It's probably been building for a while, but I really feel it today. Like I don't really need my meds, and they're just making me fat and stupid.

I think it started at my last pdoc appointment. I went into it with a positive attitude, since I was reporting that the meds seemed to be working. But my pdoc made a fuss about my weight.

Ever since then I've been trying to lose weight with no success, and I just feel increasingly frustrated. I broke open a Symbyax capsule and a tiny amount of white powder fell out. I studied it and wondered if I really needed it, or if it's just turning me into a zombie potato.

Then lately I've been also feeling like I don't care about hardly anything, not even things that I used to care a great deal about.

Except for my weight, I seem to care a lot about that since my last pdoc appointment. Maybe it always bothered me from the beginning, I don't know. She asked me how I felt about putting on so much weight. I said I didn't really care, and in that moment, I didn't. But she cared, a lot, and started talking about how I'll have to switch meds if I can't stop gaining.

I just want to quit taking my meds and see what happens. I'm curious. I'm frustrated. I want to lose weight. I want to know what happens if I stop taking them.

I know it's supposedly super common for people with BP to want to quit taking their meds - and to quit taking their meds - and I'm definitely in that mental state right now.