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BeyondtheRainbow · Oct 14, 2015, 05:49 PM

This one is weird for me. Usually I'm mixed nearly all the time. Right now I'm mixed but not badly and the depression is much, much stronger still. I haven't had many times an episode has been like this. I was manic for the first several months and then haven't gotten past the depression since. I'm not sure I've ever had severe depression as my label for so many months, at least since I was diagnosed. I've been diagnosed 13 years so that's a long time for a new variety of episode to come out. But it's my first big episode without lithium and that seems to have made a negative difference. I probably should just suck it up with migraines and go back on low dose lithium and see if it helps. I'll see what my pdoc says but lithium and I have had a love/hate relationshi for years. Or maybe an abusive relationship; I love it, it works for me and it beats the crap out of me with toxicities even with a very low dose.

Sometimes I wonder how and why I'm still here too.

Possible trigger:

Now I'm at this point where my oldest niece would know and remember if I hurt myself and I can't do that to her. So instead I fight with the feelings a lot. I've' been too numb to feel really suicidal but tomorrow I'm giving my therapist a pocketknife to keep for me. I found it in a box yesterday. It was from my years as a camp counselor, the best months of my life and somehow using it to stop this life seemed like some kind of balance. It's safe enough for now because it's as dull as can be (and locked in my car) but I'll have him keep that for a while.

Oh well. I'm just so tired. It will pass.

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I really hope you find something that works soon. I feel so bad for you knowing what you a region through and how long it's been. I don't know how you're still living. That's a major accomplishment, I feel. I usually only have to deal with it for two weeks before something switches.