Wow! You and definitely have a lot in common. I hate to be told what to do; it makes me want to run out and get as high as I possibly can! When that happens it always ends in a disaster, especially the last few years. I don't like to tell myself that I "cannot do something" and I hate it even worse when someone else's tries to control me. These are major issues I have with doing the AA/NA thing. While it works well for many people, it's just not for me.

I also agree with you about mapping out your own recovery. Many people will disagree with this. I believe it is usually the first timers or people that don't really know why the use that need such structure. When you have been going through this for ten + years like I have, you know what works for you and what doesn't, it's just a matter of doing it and sticking to it.

I have done it all; rehab, outpatient, counseling, AA/NA, taking Meds, etc. So far, cold turkey, no sub Meds, no docs, no meetings has worked for me. What I did was ask my mother to help me with my ten month old so I could detox from benzos, Suboxone, and antidepressants for a week. She stayed with me and helped me with my baby so that I could get better in that aspect. Then I started really looking into myself and seeing all the things that make me want to use every day. I had to change these things.

Learning to be grateful, humble and a willingness to REALLY take a long hard look at oneself in the mirror makes all the difference in recovery, I believe. I do believe in staying away from people, places, and things that make me want to use.

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