Wow, took a while to read; lol.

Yes for sure I agree with what has been said here. I have dealth with this for many years as well. Nobody can make our choices, if we decide to end our life, well thats our choice.

I guess what I was trying to say is that I feel helpless with my eating disorder. I do not know or understand how to take control. I am a fighter, always have been. Its the uncertainty in myself. Am I good enough to be alive or do I deserve this life. I am without a doubt a very lucky person. I have been dealth many different cards but without them I would not have learned what I have.

I do go from wanting to fight to not caring about myself at all. Sometimes I think about who I am and who I used to be; I think I am not so bad of a person. I have helped and touched many others in my experiences. I have had so many others tell me that I have a special gift, how loving and generous I am. I am not trying to be "high on myself" but I know I have been a support to many friends in my life time.

Like you say, my doctor is a GP. He is not trained to deal with all of these issues. I do resist many things that have been offered. Not fully understanding why at times. I have this deathly fear of getting better without having the "friend" I talk about so much. I am scared of life without it. Who am I anyway??

In the end, its up to me what I decide to do with the life given to me. I often think about those who get hit with an illness, like my mom, and she fights so damn hard to stay in the here and now. She is on the most part very positive. She wants to be here, watch us grow, watch her grandchildren strive to become who they are. I feel guilty about the choices I make. I think, "what right do I have to risk death when so many others are fighting so hard to keep theirs."

Its tough, mental illness is not any different. We still have to fight for our health. If we choose not to, well thats the way it is.

You didn't ruffle my feathers; lololol. I thought that was cute. Honesty can be hard to face or to hear. But the truth can hurt sometimes and other times it makes you look at it in a new perspective. We get ill and only see our way. When others show you there are other ways of thinking, well thats not a bad thing. Its good. We take what we want, what can help, and just leave the rest.

I do feel though that medical professions do have an obligation to protect patients to the best of there ability. Why did they go into this type of career anyway?? When someone is suicidal, they have a responsibility to step in until their thoughts can be changed to see that's its not the answer. These people need to help keep us safe cause when we are extremely ill, we don't always see the light at the end. But there is not doubt in my mind that they are doing this and will continue. Like my doctor said, help me help you. That could not be a more true statement. They can't fix it for us, we have to. And if we give up, well what are they supposed to do. They are professionals but are also human and get frustrated as well.

I hope this makes sense. Thanks for reading. And when I get silly thoughts, just remember; I AM STILL HERE!!! lolol.

Love,

Justy