Just now, I was next door. I laughed for a second about something, but my Mom thought I was sobbing. She said that she did not want to hear me sobbing. I have a way of crying and simply saying things like, "I'm glad you kept me." and things of the sort. Anyways, I basically said that I wasn't sobbing but how would you know what it was about. I said that how did she know it wasn't because I just found out I had cancer or something. She basically tried to say that this wouldn't be possible which it wouldn't be. I basically just asked her if she would be upset with me for crying if that were the case. She said, "I don't know" and said that there would be more important, productive things to do. Essentially, I get the feeling that these people have minimal capacity for sympathy with regard to my depressive tendencies. For a while, I got very belligerent and was just angry about it all. I just said that I hated them, that they were no good, etc. Even said, "I wish you were dead" a few times. I also kept saying how I was pointless and how everything was pointless, which I felt at the time. I'd also often go on and on about my woes and problems. Sometimes, I would want to talk about so much that it interfered with their doing stuff around the house. They would sometimes say that they had other things to do, which they did, but I would just keep talking and talking. I'm not sure how often this happened, but they said it was a lot. I think my talking about things non stop did at times interfere with their ability to get important stuff done. They got also got mad/frustrated with me for saying those things all the time. Finally, after I totally lost my **** again and started saying mean things to them, my Mom said that I was being abusive and was asking if I wanted to leave. Basically, they started talking about kicking me out after my belligerent behavior. I asked them what I would need to do to stay and they said, "Stop being belligerent to us, not constantly "talking about yourself" and to not be negative unless there is some type of point to it. This isn't from merely this interaction but a culmination of events. They still have always never wanted to leave me alone if I seem to be in a state where I could self injure, etc. This always really worries and upsets them, and it is upsetting to me too that I have impulsively done this and given myself permanent scars. Luckily, I have not self harmed in quite some time and do not wish to. They also put lots of effort into things like helping me study and all. Tonight I made a comment that definitely sounded as though I was threatening to commit suicide or making references to it, but I wasn't threatening this nor am I even remotely suicidal. I just made a comment out of frustration that was understandably mistaken for actually having these ideations, but I am not. In response to this, my Dad was going to spend the night upstairs with me to make sure I was alright. Still though, the read I get and the culmination of events said that once they learned I was "different"/something wasn't right, they regretted my very existence. They put on a convincing front otherwise of doing all this stuff, my Mom even gave up her career to teach me at home. They have spent lots of time working with me on things and all. When things got bad, eventually my Dad even offered to come up and stay with me for the rest of the time I was in college. Still, the basic read I get is that once who I was with regard to my autism was obvious and I was more difficult than typical as a result, I was somewhat of a regret. They do all this stuff, yet on a deep core level, they regret my very existence! How am I supposed to proceed? They bought a small house that was next to theirs and have offered for me to be able to rent it from them for very little money. My Mom even offered to take some math classes with me to help me with a subject that is sort of in my area of "special interest" but I wouldn't really call it that. She was that dedicated to wanting to help me with this that she'd take calculas classes as an adult (she isn't evne good with math or anything) just to offer me the opportunity to study it together. However, this is all a read I get that is very deep down and it seems clear. They have gotten mad at me at times in ways that it seems like they wouldn't otherwise like a couple/few times I called my Mom and she said, "Don't call me that" and said things of the nature like she wasn't going to try anymore. I tried to broach the subject about them regretting having me when they saw I was difficult to deal with. I asked her if the thought crossed her mind earlier tonight and she said, "I don't wallow in things and wonder how stuff could have been different. Things can be a blessing and a burden at the same time." She also said things like, "Everyone has value." Later in the evening, I said that the thought didn't cross her mind and she just said, "Not really." Finally, she starts saying, "Your back to feeling sorry for yourself." I was rightfully offended at this and she said, "Your back to ruminating again." Finally, she said, "What difference would it make in your life today what I thought 20 years ago." Since it was clear from that statement and everything else that I am basically just a piece of regret but they are trying to mask it from me and even themselves, I don't know how to proceed. Should I take them up on their supportive offers? Should I take them up on the offer of the house? Should I leave and never speak to them again? I just don't know what to do? If anyone else has been here in some way, please give me your take on the situation. I don't know what to do. If I decided it was the best option, I could leave without even telling them where I am. I would essentially just disappear as far as they are concerned, and I could do it tomorrow if I needed to. I'm now 23 years old, and I am just at a major crossroads here. Now is the time to make these decisions. I just don't know where to go from here. Somehow this really just reached a head with me today and I really feel like I need an honest opinion here, I don't know what to do at all. I just don't know where to go. A few times in the past, I thought about and mentioned my ideation of just diving off the nearest bridge or some crap like that (I'm not feeling that way at all now, in the least) and they said, "If you did that, our lives would be over too. There would be nothing left for us." I feel like on some level they really do care about me, but at the same time I feel like with my issues I just am disappointing and regretful. I am just confused and at a crossroads as to what to do. I'd appreciate anyone's advice whose been here. My Mom was mentioning tonight about me going back to counseling. I kind of agreed with it. She said things about how when I go to counseling, I should set some kind of goals for myself. I agreed with this very much, and I do want to have goals. I just don't know what they would be yet