vI'm sure it is bad, owl. You had real intimacy with this man, imperfect though it was, and now that's gone. That's a huge loss.

In our grandmothers' or great-grandmothers' day, a woman didn't become intimate with a man, until a period of courtship allowed her to see how suitable he was on other fronts. There was a lot of emotional protection in that system for a woman. Now that we're all liberated we jump into physical and emotional intimacy rather quickly, and, then, we start really evaluating the guys character and maturity. (I know all about how well that works, or doesn't.) I don't think we have a lot of choice to do otherwise. It's not like modern young men are going to patiently come around for a year with flowers and candy, while they establish to our families and ourselves that they have honorable intentions and will put our welfare first and foremost. So we're emotionally hooked on a guy before we even figure out if this is a guy our future is safe with.

But plenty of women don't get sucked into bad relationships. So we need to look at what's going on with those of us who do. (I did, too . . . and never completely got out of such a relationship, so I know the longterm cost, which is beyond what I figured in my younger days.) These men who tend to drain the women they are with give signs of that early on. Some of us don't heed those signs, which we need to look at in ourselves. We believe they'll change . . . that love conquers all . . . that fate meant us to be together . . . that: "Well, I'm not perfect either, and he puts up with me." . . . that "he deserves happiness and what he gets frm me, after all life has put him through." We are idealistic and we want life to be just, so we are going to make sure that some man gets what he does really need, figuring that somehow that will set up Karma or something to make sure we are okay. We think that if we give our devotion to someone, then how can he fail to give back some of the same? None of these thoughts running through our head have anything to do with how life actually works. We're idealists. We've got big notions about how life should work. And we're going to do our part to make life that way. We'll give others that we are fond of what we want them to have, without considering whether they are really doing what it takes to have what they want and, legitimately, need. We refuse to be hard-headed and hard-butted about pursuing our own interests because, somehow, we think that's not okay. So we end up with a child-man, while our saavy sisters look at us and say, "Better you than me." and they dump guys who waste their time and move on. Ever notice how the tough women end up with the good guys? They won't put up with what we will.

I am 32 years into a relationship with a guy whom no sensible wonan would have touched with a ten foot pole. His ex-wife used to say to me, "A cross off of my shoulder and on to yours." So I speak from experience. There was a window of opportunity, early in the relationship, when I had the sense to know I should get out . . . and I had the strength. But I decided to stay with it for awhile longer, as a favor to him. He needed a date for a special social occasion, and I couldn't see not doing him that favor. You see - always worrying about him having a need that I could fulfill - and why not, since I'm a big enough person to do a guy a favor?

Well, it never stops. Three decades later, I'm still looking after him . . . and I'm not even still living with him. They say you can't put an old head on young shoulders. Nobody could tell me back then. If only I could go back and tell the girl I was, "Don't waste yourself on this man." But I was 31 y. o. and was afraid life would never give me another chance for closeness. And he was so endearing on his good days. I sure know how that can be. I just could never fall completely out of love with him.

You're only 26? Life will give you other opportunities. But you won't know about them, if you're tied up with him. You can have him back, and there would be more joyful moments here and there. But the longterm cost is beyond what you have any idea.

That's the full fruit of my experience for what it's worth. You're saying to yourself, "Am I being fair to him?" and "Why can't he just be fair to me?" He is all he knows how to be. He can't be to you other than what he has been. Making sure you get a fair deal in life is your responsibility and nobody else's and not his. I guess I've gone on enough. Take care of you. Decide you won't give so very much to get so very little. Good deals come only to those who won't settle for less.