In therapy lately we've been talking about how I have a tendency to be paranoid and think people don't like me or are talking about me. Also that I think people are mad at me when they aren't. I'm really sensitive to shifts in mood but I don't interpret them properly and I end up panicking because I think things are worse than they are. When I sellf- harm I always think my therapist is going to give up on me, or I feel her concern for my safety as frustration so I constantly ask for reassurance or want to hear that it's okay, nothing changed, she's still not going to leave. I do this in other close relationships, especially with people who make me feel safe and cared for.

I met with my pastor yesterday (we're close and she's been a huge support for a long time) and I ended up telling her how bad the self-harm had gotten and showed her the scar from the last time (it's really bad and I think she was shocked). I asked her a bunch of times if she was mad at me because she seemed mad (this is kind of a huge issue of mine), and she keot saying she was just sad and worried because I seem so fragile and unable to care for myself, and then this looked like I was really in danger. She also said she thought "we" were past this and she doesn't get why I started again. It also hurt my feelings a bit that she said I should have been hospitalized whether I wanted to or not. On one hand, I know she said those things out of worry and love, but I'm having such a hard time sitting with the unease and discomfort nagging at me that she's mad at me. She has a daughter the same age as me with depression too and I know that always goes through her head. She said she wasn't mad, just worried because she cares, but I feel so uneasy. Still I know this is my issue that I always think people are mad. Still though, I can't stop feeling worried and scared that she is mad or that she will stop caring because I'm too messed up. I love her and I don't want to lose her. I know it's also hard for her to see this because it's not like she works in mental health and sees it a lot. So it's hard for her to see, especially since I know she loves me.

I had another full evaluation and they don't think I have borderline personality disorder but that I have certain traits of it that are very strong (basically the urge to self-harm and huge abandonment fears). I also have bad social anxiety leading to the social anxiety paranoia type problems and of course severe chronic depression, and I guess they kind of all mingle to make these situations the absolute hardest for me. I can't stop obsessing about it and the feelings I was getting off her.

I see my pdoc tomorrow, I'm hoping so hard he will give me a benzo. I wish I had therapy sooner, I hate holding all this. I'm trying to stop the ruminating but it's so hard.