Sometimes I feel that everything I do or have done in my life are meaningless and that here I am, 63 years of age, retired, and I have nothing to show for it. I was a court reporter for 40 years and I worked very hard to be the best I could. I raised two children, one who only seems to call now when he wants something. My daughter and her husband and our four grandchildren lived close to us and we had a great relationship with our grandkids, but now they have moved clear across the country so now I have lost any hope of having the close ties that I had previously with my grandchildren. My wife is a severe alcoholic and I tried my best to do what I could for her. I went to counseling with her for months, I spent a lot of money on going places and buying things to uplift her mood, I agreed to move to a new home which she liked and sell our old home.

So what's the problem? Well, now I am financially in terrible shape, my wife is still an alcoholic, and I feel that everything I've done to keep myself strong and healthy and try to be a good husband and be the best I could at my profession over the years has culminated in nothing. And on top of that, my twin brother passed away about three months ago. He was not only my brother for all the years but he was my very best friend.

Well, here I am and I'm looking back at my life and I'm not feeling any satisfaction that I accomplished much to benefit myself, my kids, or my wife. I love her so much and care about her dearly but I can't make her understand that. I love my kids but they are busy with their own lives and I'm probably asking too much for them to worry about how I'm doing. I'm on antidepressants but have severe bouts of anxiety and my doctor has a very strong aversion to prescribing antianxiety pills. I have no money and my insurance would never pay for seeing a counselor.

That's it, I guess. I'm not seeking any advice or anything else. Just wanted to talk and get things off my chest. No other place to do it here. Probably I'm just making another mistake in my life by putting it here where everyone else can see it. Sorry if I am.

Terry