My therapist and I had a long talk about how bad I'm feeling. He had discussed me in staff meeting trying to get more ideas for treatment. It seems like everyone thinks I need more medical treatment (ECT came up a lot) and to do artwork to try to help get the emotions out. He was very honest that he is very worried about me and my ability to keep hanging in while feeling this way. I sobbed (which I needed to do so badly) and I think he was emotional too; he kept telling me he doesn't want anything bad to happen to me.

We agreed my suicide risk is high and that I probably need to go IP but that I really, really need to see my own pdoc first, which is Monday. He is going to send her an email with his concerns which will help a lot since I haven't been able to say how I'm feeling well for a while now. He really is pro-ECT at this point so I guess that's how sick I am. I can't honestly think of too many scenarios for next week that don't involve the hospital unless I start feeling better or my pdoc has something new to try and thinks it will turn things around quickly.

I am so tired from all the crying and emotions. I'm glad I finally cried. I need to cry more.

My cat is home. I'll have definitive bloodwork back tomorrow. It seems he may be going into renal failure on top of the chronic pancreatitis. But it may be dehydration or something because the numbers were not bad, just not where they should be. The vet ordered another test for kidneys but I don't know anything about it. She was so kind; she knew I had trouble affording the pancreatitis test and she did the kidney one for no cost.

Hopefully tonight I'll really sleep. I want to nap right now so badly but it's a little late for that to be a good idea. The crying exhausted me.