So um, I'm in my second last year of high school and honestly it could not be going any worse. The actual school issues I'm having are effected by social and life issues mostly. I guess I'll kinda explain what's going on.
Last year (grade 10) the teachers had extremely high expectations of me. Expected me to be this incredibly bright person who has life sorted out. I was literally the only person with these certain standards. They seemed to hold me to a much higher degree..More critical with marking..More pushy with being better. When I got a 72% on a unit in english the teacher told me that I had disappointed her and was really critical. I'm critical of myself, my mum's critical because she wants the best for me..The teachers I even had the year before were critical. It was difficult to deal with when people criticize you for the best you can do, and don't even acknowledge when you do well. Even when I got a 94% in a unit the teachers were all like "Eh, it's okay." They just had these insane standards and expectations of me that no one else had..When I was struggling in stuff and expressed it and asked for help half the time they would cut me down for it, or would brush it off and say "You're smart I'm sure you can figure it out." Then they'd turn and help someone else with the same thing. As I mentioned before they had this thing where they assumed I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I had mentioned to a couple teaching might be something to LOOK INTO because I respected the profession, like helping people, and I want to be a supporter of young people. They took that and assumed I had already decided on it. Before I could really clear it up it was already spread around practically the entire school and it was like I couldn't back out. There was one whom I talked to, who could tell I wasn't 100% and told me to forget about what everyone thought/said and just listen to my heart for once. So during the summer I did. I had a thing that I would genuinely enjoy, and could see myself doing. At the beginning of this year we had these interviews to pick out courses and stuff and the teacher asked if I still wanted to be a teacher. My mum and I kind of exchanged glances before I said no and told her what I had been considering. The teacher started being really rude, cutting me down for my choice, making me feel genuinely horrible and guilty for something that felt so right..I could tell it wasn't going to be a good year. The first two weeks there was literally no where for me to sit and do my school work. So I went to the little common room thing we have where people go on breaks and for lunch. I sat and did my work quietly..Then got kicked out of the school, MORE THEN ONCE. There were NO empty seats. So many people (teachers and now students alike) still have these expectations and standards for me and it's so hard. I'm honestly always sad and stressed out that it's near impossible to do any work. It's over a month into the school year and I've handed NOTHING IN.
I feel so empty in life. I want friends who accept me for who I am, friends whom I actually have a healthy relationship with. I want to be able to enjoy my hobbies, my interests. I want to actually do things. I just want to be able to enjoy life again. This added with the pressure by people is too much for me to handle right now and I don't know how to cope.
I've been trying to set up times to meet with the counselor at school. I was hoping to it just me more like a drop in, because some days are really worse than others. Some days I don't go to school because I can't stand to be there. I never know when I'm going to feel worse, so it's hard to plan on that. The counselor wants us to meet once each week to talk and I don't know if I can do that. I've never been diagnosed with anything (never been to someone who CAN diagnose mental disorders) apart from panic attacks which I have pills for (happens rarely) and the first thing she said when I had mentioned it's hard to cope with the stress, sadness and emptiness was "Do you have depression?" How would I know? I'm not going to diagnose myself. All I can say is that for years I've been like this. Last year was an okay year, and now it's back down. I just don't really know what to do about any of this. Some days I care, some days I don't. Well, more of the "There's no point in trying, nothing's going to change, what's the point", kind of feeling. Life generally is just not going right for me, and school's the worst part. Every passing day it gets harder and harder to be there..