I’ve been so depressed for so long. Most of the past few years. All but a couple of weeks here and there where I felt so good it hurt. But well over 2 years of darkness, and I blame Lithium. It sucked the life out of me and put a blanket on my brain. It anesthetized me and took away my hypomania, leaving me mired in the longest depression of my life.

Now I’m off of it and the Lamotrigine I’d been on since 2006. I’ve lost 20 lbs and am still losing, but my pdoc isn’t happy about it. I am, since I was 180 lbs, but I agree it doesn’t seem healthy and it doesn’t seem to be stopping. I had lost my appetite but I have it back now and am eating and sometimes enjoying some food, but I’m still losing weight. I wish I knew why.

So I had my ECT treatments. And I’ve become pretty unstable. I’m more depressed than ever where it hurts so badly every day I can barely stand it. I’m getting angry more often and I’m busy more often than I want to be. It is so hard to go do anything but I’m dragging myself around. It might be unbearable to stay home though, so maybe that’s why I’m driven to keep moving. Usually when I’m depressed I’m in bed a lot.

This time I’m working, riding and talking to people when I don’t want to. Tonight I went out walking for a couple of hours and tired one dog out and had to nearly drag him home. But my body is tired and gets sore and feels weak even when I’m pushing myself. My job at the barn is very physical and I’m tired after that too.

My husband is worried about me. He says I talk about suicide a lot. I know I have a couple of times and think about it a lot but wasn’t aware that I was talking about it that much. I don’t want to die. In fact, I’m terrified of it and I’ve promised I won’t do anything like that, but I can’t help but think of it when the pain gets unbearable and feels like it’s never going to end.

Today I blew up and was throwing things and yelling, traumatizing my dogs who all ran to hide. Except the deaf one, but he watched me nervously.

My pdoc had told before he went on holidays that he wanted me to go IP for a couple of weeks. I don’t want to go. I’m sick about it. I’m also not sure what they can do for me other than to drug me up. I’m not sure what the point is of me being in there for 2 weeks. I don’t want to seem uncompliant. My hubby has mixed feelings about me going. We have three dogs at home and he works long shifts.

I’m not sure where I’m going with any of this. I’m confused about my mood. It’s a weird depression. Much worse than it’s been and it feels different like it’s sharper somehow and has a dangerous edge. I’m brittle. It’s the most physical depression I’ve had and I think this is partly why the weight loss. The scale is lower almost day by day.

I just don’t know what to do with myself. Could the energy mean I'm headed out of the depression? Oh God, I hope so.