Thanks for the replies everybody! As far as therapy, I have only seen the one doctor who set me up on FMLA back in May. He was a much older gentleman who I couldn't really connect with and I always got the feeling that he was counting down the minutes til I left. I did tell my parents yesterday that I'd really like to seek out therapy again. My dad's answer was to promise to YouTube some Anthony Robins speeches on depression. I'm not giving up, just have to weigh the options I have available.

As far as the pot, I don't see myself giving it up because unfortunately, it's the only time I feel good at all. I get what you're saying about the hangover feeling and that's true, but when I am nearly hyperventilating from an anxiety attack, it calms me down and really allows me to get inside my own head and thing about things in depth. I appreciate your words, I truly do, but this may be a divide our generations never see eye to eye on. It helps much more than it hurts, but many, especially the older generation, have been exposed to so much propaganda painting it as evil and a gateway to harder drugs that the good is often missed by even those it could genuinely help. I say all this because I want anyone who replies to understand where I sit on the issue, but I don't want this to turn into a pro/anti marijuana debate, please.

And the gaming. I think that's another one that is perceived differently depending on age. To be honest, Carole Ann, the depression has given me little to no appetite for gaming. I used to be able to stay up all night with a controller in my hand, moderate gaming communities, help younger kids get the hang of it, chat with folks all the time. Since falling so far, I feel the same disgust and exhaustion staring at my Steam library as I do looking over my work equipment. The only exception is The Sims, which I highly recommend for anybody with an anxiety disorder. It sounds silly, but being 100% in control of that tiny family is downright cathartic. I don't think that I have a gaming addiction now, though I certainly have in the past and know quite a few people with that struggle. It's not an easy burden. Especially when you're looking at throwing away easily thousands of dollars worth or equipment and games. But my other reason for hanging onto it is Bill. It's how we met, trolling The harsh Russian landscape of DayZ, fighting for survival. And lately though we both struggle with severe depression, the happy points of our day are the evenings when we pop on our headsets and spent a few hours laughing and goofing off and completely destroying each other in League of Legends 1v1s. I don't think you're wrong by any means. I know it's a drain on my time and contribution to the "real world." But the Internet has been my real world since I was 11 and discovered role play forums. (That's not dirty like it sounds, I assure you. It's basically exactly like this website, only when people post they're writing a 2-3 paragraph story about their character and what he or she is doing. Then someone else replies with how their character reacts, and together everyone tells a story. I completely contribute my writing skill to it.) At the end of the day, gaming is important to my relationship and for now, I need it to keep me sane.

I definitely think I was lucky to get out of the relationship with Jon before he turned physically violent towards me (he often would hit/slap himself or bang his head against something when we fought. It was terrifying and awful to watch). It was just humiliating and exhausting to see someone I'd been fighting for tooth and nail for years just give up without explaining himself.