Hi

This is really embarrassing btw.

I'm a 20 year old female, and I'm struggling with masturbating. I've come to the conclusion over the last few years that I'm asexual, since the only love I've ever felt for someone is more like family love and I've never been attracted to anyone in a sexual way. I can appreciate good looking guys but I'm not sexually attracted to them, and I've absolutely no interest in women.

But my problem is that I've always felt drawn to BDSM style things and I hate it It's the only thing that ever makes me get sexually excited, I think I'm attracted to the act and rush of excitement rather than anything else. I'm a virgin, I'm not interested in sex or romance, but this pull towards BDSM keeps dragging me to masturbate and I can't seem to quit. It's not an addiction that I'm doing multiple times a day, but when I get the idea in my head I eventually cave in.

The problem is as soon as I finish, I feel disgusted by myself and lose all interest in anything like that, I seem to get grumpy as well.

Please help, I just want to get away from this, it makes me feel like a loser (my confidence is quite low anyway) and feel old. A massive part of me is a bit like Peter Pan and this is like a dark alter ego that takes me over until I do what it wants.

Any advice appreciated, thanks for reading if you got this far