I am 49, less than 2 weeks from 50 and I have nothing to show

No love, no career, no home (apartment, not quite homeless yet), no works of art (unless you count 25mm miniatures)

I always feel like I do everything right and still fail

Believe me, you are not alone in feeling this way

Depression takes not only from us, but from society. I am a smart guy (I am not bragging here, I am well above average), who knows what I could have done without this sapping my will and stealing my focus?

There are people here who have children, whom they fear will see them as less for having mental illness so, to avoid embarrassing their children, they suffer in silence

There are some here that, despite success in career, finance, lost all sense of direction and stepped off the track. They too are embarrassed by their own seeming failure to just 'snap out of it'. So they suffer in silence.

Every day I get angry and resolve to do something and every night I die, melt into my sheets and reborn the next day having neither accomplished or start something worthwhile the day before

I grew up in a time and place that saw, and still sees, mental illness as a personal failing. You aren't sick, you're lazy; you aren't suffering, you're just weak

And we are conditioned to not be whiny, to not bother people with our condition. So, we suffer in silence

The world is really a beautiful place. There are such wonders, good people, amazing achievements. I have, briefly from time to time, felt it. And I want it back, I deserve it, I ... and my anger is spent. I can already feel the demons crawling back into place