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I'm getting super anxious as it is approaching dinnertime in an hour or two and I'm freaking out! Today has been really hard starting from the moment my mom asked me if I had eaten today. We are so close that I simply refuse to lie to her anymore, like I did when I was self-mutilating, we both made an honesty pact and I am deeply flawed, but I never break my promises. She was very candid with me, and I with her. We reached a compromise, I drink health shakes of regular fat content, not diet like I always reach for. If my best still isn't enough and I continue to lose, I am destined for another hospital stay. They don't treat me right there and I'm already borrowing trouble with the "would have, should have, could haves." It might not be a horrible idea to admit myself again, because I also have Schizoaffective Disorder with psychotic features (I hallucinate) The hallucinations are getting really bad and I'm dissociating a lot and I can feel the strain I am putting on my heart. I've been overweight for as long as I can remember, and now I'm getting dangerously thin. I never thought I'd ever hear the words "Please eat, you need the calories." It's surreal. Confession time...I kind of enjoy seeing my collar bone, ribs, hip bones and even my spine become easier to see all the time. I still feel very huge though. I honestly think I could weigh nothing and still see a massive blob. Ok, wrapping it up, I'm just trying right now to please others and in time, maybe I'll start seeing things more clearly. Everyone else suffering, have ever suffered, or love someone who suffers from an ED, I wish you all the best.
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