Hello Kiwipie: Your post reminds me of my college years, many years ago... minus the drugs. I was bored, I had no real goals, I seldom went to classes. When I did, I didn't participate. I'd leave my work until the last minute & be up all night pounding something out. I flunked out once... quit a couple more times... Fortunately, I was paying for it all myself. So whatever money I wasted was on me. Incredibly I did manage to make it through in the end. But it was ugly!

I sometimes think I'd have been better off being a long-haul trucker... my working years didn't end up being a whole lot more sparkly. So, I guess what I want to say is that, from my perspective, what's going on with you at the present time may be a sign that something is not right in your life. Either you are struggling with depression or what's happening is telling you that you're headed down the wrong path, or perhaps both.

There is an author I am particularly fond of named Parker J. Palmer. In one of his books: Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation, Palmer writes that, before we decide what we will do with our lives, we must first figure out what our lives intend to do with us. Essentially what Palmer is suggesting, I think, is that each of us has limitations as well as gifts... things we are naturally good at & things we'll never be good at no matter how hard we try. And there's no point in trying to drive a square peg into a round hole, as the saying goes. Looking back, that is exactly what I tried to do... regretfully. Are you trying to drive a square peg into a round hole? I don't know. But it sounds to me as though something is suggesting this may be the case. Food for thought...