First, some background. I live with my mother who has dementia. I am there as her primary care giver. I have help from a caregiving provider for a few hours everyday. I also take care of my teenage daughter during the week. Her mother and I have shared custody. I also pay a neighbor for her to be availible to help me on an as needed basis. I have to watch how much time I use of hers by keeping it to a minimum.

I am currently on vacation. Of course my mother acts up throughout the day. I do not realize how much built up stress I have until I do illogical things like blaming inanimate objects, throw a few things around, and talk to myself. This is very uncharacteristic of me. I am sure this perplexes my daughter. I feel as though I almost lost it this time around. I am trying to take more than one small vacation a year. So at the last minute, I made the arrangements for respite care and left for a second four day weekend this year.

Well, just when I started to relax on the second day, where winding down is very very difficult for me to do, I ger into a car accident. One moment I was paying attention, the next I "blipped" out, and then when my vision became clear and refocused, I saw myself about to hit the car in front of me.I responded and ended up hitting two cars. I really did not plan it this way.

The adventure continues. The police gave me four tickets, called the paramedics who examined me and encouraged be to be taken to the hospital. I ended up being admitted for the night with additional tests scheduled. I left the next day. I actually found my stay very calming to my nerves. Go figure!

I then decided to go to a rustic style lodge a distance from any city. I was starting to feel happier and relaxed. Then the telephone call came. The neighbor with her son could not turn on the TV for my mother. The TV was on, but not respinding to the controller. She started asking me a dozen questions. I started losing it again. I then told her that if nobody else there can fix it, how can I do better over the phone? I then told her that it was probably the batteries. This came as a new thought to her. Then she tried to help me feel guilty by saying "I guess your mother will have no TV now". Really??? No *****! I told her that my mother can survive a day without TV. I then messaged everyone that I do not want to be called for ANY reason. Come on now! They knew what mental state I left in, and they call me over a problem with the TV controller? I should be able to trust them with that! It does not require a genius.

So here I am watching a movie on the English monarchy. I am in my mind on that merry-go-round, going over and over things that make me angry, stuff that has gone wrong, other stuff that could go wrong, once again not able to let it go, to get off the blasted merry-go-round. I need peace now!

Well, that dhould do it for now. I hope all will be better for those here ar PsychCentral.

Tucson