I have one reason that I can't just give up. I can't hurt my niece like that. She just got old enough to understand and I'm one of her favorite people in the world and I could never do that to her even though I want to frequently right now.

So I guess finding one thing to focus on helped me.

I also just let myself have time that I give up. I lay in bed for hours staring at the wall. I don't eat, I don't bother with getting dressed or showering if I don't have to. I can't cry or I'd do that. My therapist wants me to try to put my feelings down in art work so I'm drawing with crayons a good bit the last week. I let that art work be as dark and sad as I feel.

I know it is so hard; I'm fighting with it every minute right now. I wish I knew the magic answer.