I love my husband. He’s funny, generous, and loving. I count myself blessed to be in a relationship with such a wonderful person but there are some events that have made me feel very uneasy around him. As we enter our 2nd year of marriage such events are getting more frequent and I have started wondering if maybe they are signs of an emotionally abusive relationship. I would like to know what you think and I am open to any tips you may have on what I can do to strengthen my relationship with my husband.

My husband has never been physically violent with me, he does not call me names, he is not overly jealous, he does not isolate me from my family or friends. He pretty much doesn’t fit the description of an abusive spouse described in online forums except that he was rather pushy in the beginning of our relationship (he would stay to sleep over uninvited, he left his stuff at my place and eventually started living with me even though we had never talked it over, and he proposed to me only 6 months after we started dating while we were both under the influence). Even though I wasn’t comfortable with what was happening and how quickly it was happening, I didn’t say anything because I have a lot to gain from being in a relationship with him both emotionally and materially. We have now been married for almost 2 years and he sometimes says things to me that make me feel confused, guilty, and responsible for things that are in no way my fault (or at least I don’t think they are).

For example, he has falsely accused me of taking revenge on him. One day he said something to me and we got in a small argument about it because I disagreed with him. Later that day, we got into a big fight about something completely different. When we were talking it through after the fight, he asked me if the big fight was a way for me to get revenge on him for the small argument we had earlier that day! I was confused, hurt, and insulted that he thought I would do something like that. When I told him that it was not the case, he stopped communicating with me and we had to stop trying to work things out because it was going nowhere.

My husband also pouts and sometimes it seems like it’s for no reason. One time we went out to eat with friends. He ordered for me but I didn’t know he did so I ordered too. When we realized we had ordered an extra meal, we had to explain to the hostess that we wanted to cancel one of the orders. Everything went fine but after that incident my husband gave me the cold shoulder. I kept asking him if something was wrong but he would not respond. We therefore spent an entire afternoon awkwardly avoiding each other since he would not hold my hand or talk to me. As the day went on and he was still pouting, my resentment built up. To me this situation was so unfair. I felt responsible for the problem but I didn’t know what I did wrong! It’s like feeling guilty for a crime you don’t even know you committed. I let him cool off on his own when we got home before suggesting we talk things over. He wasn’t much more cooperative. While he was cooling off he had intentionally hurt himself (digging his nails into his flesh until he bled). He showed me what he had done and told me that that was how much he was hurting inside and that he couldn’t express it. I was horrified and felt guilty that I had done something that would push him to do such awful things to himself. I didn’t want him to hurt himself like that again so I accepted the blame even though to this day I still have no idea what I did to make him so upset.

This next behavior might seem cute but it’s really difficult to deal with. Sometimes my husband asks me if I need or want a certain object (a towel, a jacket, a piece of pie… you name it). If I say no because I really don’t want it, he does not respect my answer and before I know it he buys the object and offers it to me as a surprise gift. He then tells me that he knew that I wanted it anyways. When this happens I feel angry that he didn’t respect me when I said “no” but I feel like telling him to return it is ungrateful so I pretend to be happy to avoid upsetting him. This behavior is confusing and frustrating because it makes me feel like I don’t know what’s good for me anymore and like I don’t have a right to say no.

Lately I have a feeling that he expects me to be able to read his mind. For example, we agreed that he was in charge of making dinner plans. He did not communicate those plans with me so I had no idea where or at what time we were meeting up after work. I texted him a few hours before to know the plans but he did not respond. Then out of the blue, he calls me and asks me where I am because he is 10 minutes away. I didn’t know where he was so I could meet up with him or even if he was driving or taking public transit. When we finally met up, I told him that I would appreciate if he told me the plans a bit beforehand next time so I wouldn’t have to leave the office in a rush without knowing where to head. He replied that I should assume that if he doesn’t respond to my messages right away, he’s probably driving! To me this makes no sense because there could be many reasons why someone does not respond right away to a text message (he could have been in a metro station for all I know!). I hated how he pinned this responsibility on me again. I am not a mind reader and although I do not think of myself as an expert communicator, from what I understand assumptions are a communication faux-pas which lead to greater misunderstanding between two people.

The last behavior that makes me feel uneasy is how my husband has a hard time saying no and then finds a way to blame me for it. For example, the other day I suggested we make out before going to sleep. He agreed. When he started stroking my arm with his hand, it tickled me so I recoiled and told him that it tickled. He got upset and told me he wasn’t interested anymore because he felt rejected. He also told me that I didn’t truly want to make out with him because he had noticed that I always felt ticklish when I didn’t want him to touch me. I told him that that wasn’t the case and that sometimes I am ticklish in some places but that it doesn’t mean I don’t want to be touched. He told me that being ticklish was a choice, that he did not believe me when I said that it is not something that I have control over, and that he does not think it is possible for me to be not-ticklish somewhere one day and ticklish at the same place the next day. I felt hurt when he told me this because I feel like he does not trust me, he made me feel guilty that I can’t control my ticklishness, and his comment made me feel as if my bodily sensations were in some way wrong. The next day he brought up the topic again and told me that in fact the reason why he made such a big scene about my being ticklish was that he didn’t want to make out because he was tired and that he just couldn’t tell me “no” because it’s not in his nature to say no. Pretty much, instead of telling me “no, honey, I’m not interested in making out with you tonight because I am tired,” he built up the situation so that it looked as if I was the one who said no! I told him that he needs to work on asserting himself since I can’t say no in his place and I certainly can’t guess whether he wants to do something or not unless he tells me so. He got upset and told me that I was insensitive because I think of myself and do not consider him. He added that before asking him if he wanted to make out with me I should have considered how he is and based on that assumed that he didn’t want to make out with me! I was so confused. He told me that I know how he doesn’t like having sex right before going to sleep because he is too tired and that I should have known that kissing in bed before sleeping is the same thing. I replied that I’m not in his head and that I have absolutely no idea what he wants or does not want unless he tells me clearly. I added that it’s ok for him to tell me “no”. He told me that he can’t refuse because it’s not in his nature but that he is “working on it.” I asked him if it was something he really wanted to change. He replied that he’s working on it because he feels he has to but that if he had a choice he wouldn’t change because he’s comfortable with the way he is. To me this means he won’t change no matter how much he “works on it” since he has no real desire or motivation to change. I asked him if he had considered therapy and he replied he isn’t interested. I also asked him how I can tell if yes means yes or yes means no. This is really important for me, I told him, because I can’t make a decision if I can’t trust him and also not knowing if he’s telling me the truth means that I have a 50-50 chance of making the wrong choice and end up upsetting him. He wasn’t able to give me a clear answer, he told me he would “get back to me on that.” Meanwhile, I have to find a way to deal with this behavior without driving myself crazy.

I’m writing all of this because I don’t know how to handle my husband’s behavior. I am growing more confused, anxious, and uneasy about these types of situations. For now these situations are benign but I am worried that they will get more serious as the years go by. I have tried talking to him, reading online forums, suggesting therapy without having any success. If any of you have any ideas, suggestions, tips to help me and help him it would be greatly appreciated.