It's Sunday afternoon, and I have to say it's been a really nice weekend for me. Yet all of a sudden I find myself being depressed by my life. I shouldn't feel depressed-- I have a good job and a place to live, I am recovering steadily from an eating disorder and am getting my health back, I'm starting to make friends. But all that doesn't seem like enough, because out here in this part of the USA people are surprised when they learn that I am almost 30 years old and not married and that I have no kids from a previous marriage or otherwise. I feel like some kind of freak when they try to hide their surprise with an uncertain, "oh, okay!" and that uncomfortable smile they always do. Seriously, what is so horrible about having gotten this far with no kids? And OH MY GOD do I hate that question I always get on websites: "How is a woman like you still single?" Taken literally, it's a perfectly innocent question. but the underlying implication is that for me to still be single, there must be something wrong with me. There is nothing wrong with someone who is single, and for the record there are numerous reasons to explain my current status-- having been in school for a long time is one. Having been financially unstable is another. Being incredibly sick and in recovery from physical and emotional trauma, having severe social phobia and living in 3 different states and 1 other country within the last 5 years are additional reasons. And then of course there is another important reason, which is that I do not want to settle for a relationship that I honestly feel will not last, or one in which I will be treated badly. That's why I have turned down 4 marriage proposals-- one guy, I learned, was already married. Another was abusive. The third lived halfway across the world. And as for the fourth, well frankly we were both really drunk and it was the first (and last) time we met (employee BBQ).

Sorry to ramble about this but I really needed to just vent about how it bothers me... also about how I worry that, at 29-3/4 years old, maybe I really won't ever find someone who is right for me. And all those implied "shoulds" hanging around me right now-- I should be married, I should be helping out with kindergarten school play costumes, I should be pregnant-- are really stressing me out. I DO want to fall in love with a great guy who will fall in love with me back, and ideally we will have a family together. But am I running out of time, or worse, is it too late for me???