Addendum:

My brother was often a target of my abuse growing up. He was the focus of my family's attention and my mother's genuine affection. He was born when I was 5, so on top of the violence and discord I witnessed at that age and the abuse from my uncle and cousin, here I see my brother getting affection from my mother who wouldn't show it to me. So out of jealousy I'd hurt him or play sadistic games with him. The way I treated him and the chaos he came to see between my parents and family led him to running away from home and spending 90% of his life with friends. My mother came to realize deep down that the family made a mistake with me and paid money she didn't have to keep him in sports and different clubs so he wouldn't come home and turn into someone like me. Meanwhile I was in and out of treatment programs and alternative schools. I was eventually expelled from public high school when I was 15, then expelled from two alternate schools and was home-schooled until I got my diploma.

My relationship with my brother improved throughout undergrad and now, but he lives with his girlfriend and has no intention of really keeping in touch with family. Other than me, and occasional talks with my mother, he stays away from the family. He is a cold and unemotional person that bottles everything inside and his relationships always end because of his complete emotional deadness. He is 100% more well-adjusted than me though, and I often envy his lack of emotion and ability to make selfish decisions on a whim.

All that being said I still hope for love and happiness. I want a family and children to raise right. I want to grow old with a partner. I want to give what I never got. But sometimes it seems like I'm asking for too much. I actually remember now my childhood therapist insisting that I have a narcissistic personality disorder of sorts. But others have disagreed. My current therapist says I am bipolar with PTSD and periodic panic attacks. The PTSD is a Complex PTSD that is triggered by vulnerability and romantic attachments. I fear getting close to people so I sabotage my love relationships before I get attached.But who knows. Labels don't really amount to much in the grand scheme of things. Recently I've been dating this girl who has had a similar family life and I feel myself coming to have affection for her, and she's very trustworthy and honest and likes me a lot. I actually have to fight my PTSD moments where I begin to distrust and grow nihilistic. I often fear lapsing back into smoking or drinking during these moments. It's a struggle. But if love happened for my mother, who was much more messed up than me, it can happen for me, lol.

Thanks for the like, Atypical- that was validating. I'd be exciting to hear everyone's life story and journey with narcissism, provided you guys are open to sharing.