I have high anxiety, im very socially awkward and 3 and a half years ago i was diagnosed with PTSD. For as long as I can remember ive always been rather sad, I never had any friends at school, I was bullied nearly everyday until I reached grade 8, I never got good marks, I was never motivated to do well in school, I was 6 years old the first time I verbalised my suicidal thoughts, then I had my first attempt at suicide when I was 8, 2nd attempt when I was 16. I have been cutting myself since I was 15. Normally on my upper legs so I dont draw attention to myself. Im 24 now, im in my final year at college and im going to fail it, studying something I hate, I cant even get myself to open a book. I have no energy at all, ever. I cant remember the last time I woke up and was happy that it was today... I think about suicide 1-8 hours every single day (this has been going on for at least 3 years now) im unable to fall inlove.. I feel like such a burden to my family. I spend 90% of my time in a room. Ive completely withdrawn myself from the world. The thought of going out with people feels like an impossible task. I have no concentration. I enjoy nothing at all anymore. I cant afford to get professional help. I have tried to explain how empty I am feeling twice before but either they didnt think I was serious or they thought it was just a phase, and I hate feeling like im seeking attention so I cant get myself to bring it up again. I have tremendous guilt for some of the things I think about. I really have no purpose, no skill, nothing to live for. I dont enjoy this existence and I never have.
Reading this over I want to just clear the page without sending it. I cant believe someone as quiet as me can complain so much.