The past few days have been VERY unstable and I considered going to the hospital last night. I might be having a mixed episode as I'm all over the place. I'm depressed inside but nobody can tell, and if I tell them, they are astonished because I seem so cheerful and outgoing. I'm talking a lot and busy at times, almost like pushing pause on the depression or just trying to function above it.

People are noticing I'm not stable and my poor husband looks like he's gone through the ringer. He looks ill he's so worried, and I feel so badly for him. I'm doing my best most of the time, but I've been a ***** a lot of the time too, and he is just bewildered and scared.

My SI took shape last night into "how would this work?" scenarios, considering what is the best way. When my husband asked me I told him I couldn't promise him that I wouldn't. I don't have a plan, just needed to leave that option open. I was doing research online surreptitiously. I don't sneak or lie with him ever, so that's not good. I don't feel that way today but I was really weighing it out seriously last night.

I'm afraid to go to the doctor tomorrow. I know he's going to want me to go IP and I don't want to go. I'm afraid of what treatments he will want and more afraid that there won't be any.

I feel like a burden on my husband and that he'd be better off without me. He was begging me to keep trying, and told me that's all he asks, is that I keep trying. It was heart breaking. I feel soooooo badly to put him through this. It's like when someone has cancer and everyone is waiting around for them to die, unable to go on with their own lives. I told him that and he doesn't see it that way. I don't quite see it that way today either, but last night it was absolutely how I saw it. I do feel very guilty and like I'm ruining his life though and he is such a good man.

I almost quit my job today and showed up on the verge of tears telling her I didn't think I could do it. It's such a small little job, it would be devastating for me to lose it. If I can't even do that..... It's only 3 2-2 1/2 hr shifts per week. By the time I left I was babbling and keeping the job and she was helping me. She knows I'm BP and I've had ECT and that I'm unstable and I'm very lucky she is supportive.

I've been very irritable and broke a few things. I keep wanting to throw my phone and we can't afford to replace it. I'm irritable, then talking a lot and laughing but still depressed, then devastated and can barely breath. So I think I might be mixed as Luctor suggested.

But I'm type 2 not 1. I don't get full blown paranoia or psychosis. The only episode I've ever wondered about for mania was one where I flew across the country to meet with a man I'd been having a long distance correspondence with (I'd met him for a few days on a trip), and married him on a whim, then flew home and packed up my two kids and moved four time zones away. Then crashed and ended up in hospital a bunch with 4 suicide attempts in a 6 week period. That's the last time I was IP.

Anyway this is all over the place but I had to spew. Thanks for reading.