This struck a cord with me, along with the withholding affection aspect plus the digging his nails into his skin enough to cause injury to himself.

To slap a label on whether it has potential or is abusive, seems moot. The main thing is you're already uncomfortable and doubting the health of the relationship. Healthy relationships needn't create confusion nor concern. Being told that you are only thinking of yourself or that you aren't placing him first doesn't sound kosher. Not when he has determined what he thinks you need/want with disregard to what you've said. Could be a form of projection. Enough anger to draw blood sounds like internal pain/anguish that is beyond your marriage. Certainly behavior characteristics of someone that could potentially tailspin if left unaddressed.

I agree, even if he doesn't go to counseling, get yourself a professional that you can speak with and decide from there.