In high school, some thirty plus years ago, I used to pound my knuckles to bloody hamburger against brick walls just to feel something. To this day I have stiff fingers. I stopped for a long while, but lately my depression is getting worse.

I am feeling I want to go out and smash my hands and fingers with a hammer.
Partly to punish myself for my marriage going bad, not being able to hold a job and all the rest of the crap that depression throws in my face to make me feel like a useless failure.

I have a blacksmith's anvil and hammers so I know that if I smash I will shatter bones. I don't want to cripple myself, but part of me wants the pain.

I m very glad that I go see my T tomorrow morning.

Figured you folks would understand and not judge. Any advice on how not to SI most welcome.