i don't know how anyone can truly enjoy being alone. well, i can, because i'm naturally an introvert. but i mean the kind of alone where you have no one - friendless, and without love. that's the kind of alone i am right now. sometimes i feel like i can't stand it for another minute. yet i have so many things to fix about myself before i can ever expect somebody to like me, let alone love me.

taking care of myself is hard when i'm alone. it's easy for me to feel like there's no point, that nobody cares if i am taken care of or not, so why bother? i'm tired of shouldering this burden alone. sometimes i just need to be held.
why does nobody even want to hold me? i must be diseased.

tonight will be like all the other nights. i'll stay on the internet until i'm tired, then i'll go to bed - alone. i'll have to hug a pillow and pretend somebody's holding me so i can even fall asleep. then tomorrow i'll wake up - alone. i'll live another day by myself. trying to improve myself, but to no avail. trying to make myself pretty to attract somebody, then not even going out. then i'll sit in my room and cry about being alone. the same predictable pattern.

either way, i end up all alone.