I saw my pdoc today and agreed to go IP. He wants me under observation for a period of time and he will be able to see me almost every day while I'm IP instead of once a week like I am now.

I'm not feeling suicidal today, and while still depressed it's not as desperate as it's been and is a more manageable soul-crushing thrum.

I told my pdoc I felt like a burden and he took a long time to explain why I'm not. He told me my thinking is faulty and needs to change. He is so sweet... such a kind man. I was almost crying and could barely look at both of them (he and my husband) as they went on at length about why I needed to live, how my husband needs me, how he's not better off without me etc. He even said my husband is proud to look after me.

He told me that our psych unit is a really good one and one of the best in the area, and he thinks it will be very good for me.

So I booked my Mom's flight out (she's coming to look after my three dogs and the house), and have someone to go see my horse and ride him every day (he needs to be ridden or walked every day because he gets swollen ankles). I have to tell my boss to cover my shifts for the time I'm in there and he wants me in there for 10 days or two weeks.

He thinks I'm too busy and active for my level of depression, and says I need to rest. It's been hard because I have to go see my horse every day and that takes me outside and has me active. I thought that was good, but I see his point. But if I don't stay busy, I am afraid to get like I was before where I was near catatonic. I sat still and stared for months on end barely speaking to anyone. It was like being locked inside my own body.

Anyway, I feel raw and vulnerable and scared, but somewhat relieved to have at least made the decision. I hope it's helpful.

In the meantime he has increased my Wellbutrin. He wanted to increase my Seroquel at the same time but I want to do one thing at a time and keep my meds to the barest minimum. I'm extremely sensitive to drugs. If I get insomnia from the extra Wellbutrin I will increase my Seroquel by 50mg.

Now I had to wait till my Mom gets here and told him that it wouldn't be till Nov 10th but I managed to get her a flight on the 5th, so I'll call his office tomorrow and let them know I can go earlier if they want.

And they will continue ECT in there. He's signing me up for another 6-7 treatments.

Last time I was IP was probably 23 years ago.