I wanted to add my personal experience to this thread, as I hope that it may be helpful to others.

I have always struggled with my self-esteem. Even when I was a young child, I disliked myself intensely. I've seen all sorts of T's, and tried to work through all of my emotions and finally accept myself. I did have a rather difficult childhood, which complicates matters. I was convinced that me loving others could and should come before caring for myself.

What I am now *finally* able to see is that I have limits on who I can be with. My limits are rather low & I have recognized that I'm unwilling to go any lower. Finally ~ I've hit a "tender spot" towards myself! Not only am I unwilling to go any lower, I also feel that I've gone too low now & I need to pull myself up. I've been with this man for several years, he hasn't changed during our time together. What has changed is me. My perspective has finally changed, and now I can see that I couldn't have been "in love" with my ex-hub (or ex-bf's).

How can I be so sure? Well, when I didn't feel their love, devotion, or interest in me, I shot into paranoia and quickly left the relationships. While I was with my ex-hub for 18 years, he fed my neediness for many years. Until we had kids, in fact. And then, he pulled away (to devote a lot of his time & energy to either our girls or his work). I sank into a very deep depression and our marriage began crumbling away. After one year, I found my current bf.

I hope that I didn't delve too deeply into my experiences in this post.
Just hoping that you can see the difference in thought process ~ where I was, and where I am now. A little voice inside of my head actually whispered, "Good job"!