I'm invisible no one see!

Its hard to keep in touch with what is happening around me and not worry to much. I know I'm going to be punished but I have so many questions about Christianity! It seems the world is all about man-made rules, it became so important to us to impress people and to be accepted by them.

Where did I go wrong? Where are the old me? I feel everybody is better than me, I lost my way!

I can not help thinking about s°°t like; if I die, would they even care? When they look at me, what do they see? Do they see the tears I fight to hold inside or the self inflicted scars on my body that will never go away (a reminder to myself how bad a person I have become) or that I'm trying to appear 'normal'?

People see a wife, mother, daughter and sister, but I'm so much more. I'm; sad, jealous, insane, unpredictable, rude, selfish, irrational, complicated, etc.! They say I need to change, be 'positive', stop 'thinking' so much, be thankful there are people who have it worse than you! I'm not naïve, I know there are other people who have it worse than me!

But, what about the real me the 'here and now me' the 'everyday me'?
The women who never seems to get anything right, that's not good enough, not pretty enough, not interesting, the women who break down every second day! I'm like a roller coaster no consistency always up and down and I have no clue why. I try so hard to fight away my thoughts and doubts, but it always find their way back to me!!

To speak my mind is to be a fool for I know I'm judged for the way I think and feel!
So for now I will just try to sit 'tight', 'shut up' and let it be!

Waiting for that 'one' day it'll all be over..........