I have no words to describe how much I hate the way my mind is always telling me how I am responsible for everything that doesn't work properly. It's all my fault. Even when I may rationaly think that there are things that scape from my control or they don't have to do with me, in my deep inner, I always have the thought that the bad things happen to me bc of my inadecuacy, my defect, my handicap. For being me.
This always ends up in me feeling low and wanting to scape. That is. I simply don't work.
I can't see anything good in these moments, all is cloudy by the negative thoughts.
I have zero capacity for fustration. It's like if I was always working with a low level of energy and any tiny thing could throw me off balance.

Yeah, I can seem sometimes an optimistic person but it's a false impression. It's only the product that perceiving the few light rays I can see with extremely happiness. Only that I can be grateful for but it's only a false impression. Only until the next thrust. The rest of the time, I'm only pretending that I'm in control of my life, that I'm confident but it's not real and it's not easy for me to pretend anything so I tend to appart myself as fast as possible.

There are people who need me strong and I'm failing them.
Thanks god, my partner and me thought better the thing about the adoption of a child. I neither can manage my own life, how I could be able to support a child. I know I can be normal for some moments but a kid need stability.
It's not a fustration for me though. People don't have to be a parent. I put up with fix my own mind and help people around me rather than hurt them with my insecurities and my incapacity to give them a normal life.