thank you everyone. this really means a lot to me.

unfortunately, i still feel bad today. still very lonely. i haven't showered in two days, but managed to brush my teeth earlier. i do not think i will shower today. i do not want to look at my ugly nakedness, knowing it's part of the reason i am in this lonely mess i'm in. how i hate my body. i'm working on it, but it's like i can't work fast enough. frustration ensues.

my self-esteem is shot and i don't even know how to get it back up to a respectable level. well, it was never 'up' in the first place. i feel so damn unlovable. i know i should get out of my room and talk to people, but with the way i look and my social phobia, i'd pretty much be setting me up for a date with rejection. and i just can't take more pain.

nobody is going to love a girl like me - who's fat, ugly, mentally/emotionally disturbed, self-injures, is a vain calorie-counter who wallows in her hatred of her body, impulsive, spends too much money on cosmetics and clothes because she does not like herself at all and thus has to be constantly reinventing herself (though not lately, because i'm broke).

but if someone loved me!!! that would make me feel like i'm worthwhile. that would give me the little spark i need to start loving myself. because i cannot love myself if i'm not loved.

i found this article today that perfectly describes how i am feeling:

10 Heartbreaking Truths About Loneliness Single People Don't Say | YourTango

i relate with pretty much everything there, but especially with 1, 2, 3, 6, 8, and 9.