Quote:
Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl
thank you everyone. this really means a lot to me.
unfortunately, i still feel bad today. still very lonely. i haven't showered in two days, but managed to brush my teeth earlier. i do not think i will shower today. i do not want to look at my ugly nakedness, knowing it's part of the reason i am in this lonely mess i'm in. how i hate my body. i'm working on it, but it's like i can't work fast enough. frustration ensues.
my self-esteem is shot and i don't even know how to get it back up to a respectable level. well, it was never 'up' in the first place. i feel so damn unlovable. i know i should get out of my room and talk to people, but with the way i look and my social phobia, i'd pretty much be setting me up for a date with rejection. and i just can't take more pain.
nobody is going to love a girl like me - who's fat, ugly, mentally/emotionally disturbed, self-injures, is a vain calorie-counter who wallows in her hatred of her body, impulsive, spends too much money on cosmetics and clothes because she does not like herself at all and thus has to be constantly reinventing herself (though not lately, because i'm broke).
but if someone loved me!!! that would make me feel like i'm worthwhile. that would give me the little spark i need to start loving myself. because i cannot love myself if i'm not loved.
i found this article today that perfectly describes how i am feeling:
10 Heartbreaking Truths About Loneliness Single People Don't Say | YourTango
i relate with pretty much everything there, but especially with 1, 2, 3, 6, 8, and 9. |
I wanted to say that I relate to this almost word for word, just with a little less body-hatred and I spend all my spare money on food because I'm disgusting and have no self-control. But good god, the loneliness kills sometimes. For me there's an extra layer, a terror of intimacy that manifests as a reflexive rejection of other people, of immediately wanting to be left alone once someone offers to assuage my loneliness.
Same with feeling that another person could make you feel worthwhile. I'm not going to give you the "you have to love yourself first" line because to someone in a self-loathing mindset, loving oneself is impossible. So, I can only offer understanding and internet hugs.