Well I signed up for therapy starting Thursday. I also put myself on the list for an appointment with my former psychiatric clinic, 5 month wait list. I want to fall apart, and crumble up and die, but really that doesn't do any good. Basically I'm a walking emotional stone these days. I feel it, but showing it is blocked. Because if I release it I will never regain it, is how I'm feeling. I cannot believe with the parents I had, the opportunities granted to me throughout my life, that I am where I am, and I am who I am.

Disappointing is a understatement. I really don't see how I can possible improve or remedy things to a point of acceptance to myself for one. I mean lowering the bar has to happen, because success for me now would be nothing like what I envisioned as a teen. I have failed in life, both physically and spiritually. Now I can only strive to show my daughter that even if or when you fail you have to get up and keep on trying, formulate a new plan, but no matter what stick it out. That's all I can offer, the show of perseverance.

I really wish I understand why I was sent here. Why God wants me on this planet, all I have done is cause chaos, heartache, and pain to those who were closest to me. I quit when I should have tried, I tried when I should have quit, I just do everything that I could possibly do wrong. How to fix something like that?