I wanted to say that I relate to this almost word for word, just with a little less body-hatred and I spend all my spare money on food because I'm disgusting and have no self-control. But good god, the loneliness kills sometimes. For me there's an extra layer, a terror of intimacy that manifests as a reflexive rejection of other people, of immediately wanting to be left alone once someone offers to assuage my loneliness.

Same with feeling that another person could make you feel worthwhile. I'm not going to give you the "you have to love yourself first" line because to someone in a self-loathing mindset, loving oneself is impossible. So, I can only offer understanding and internet hugs.