So, i am very very lucky! To start on a positive note.. I am surrounded by love today and surprises from my amazing man in my life. Yet somehow: I dont care that random people from facebook are all remembering my bday today. Or that i am somehow entitled to be so special, its just that of all peole, i just wish my mom and dad, could somehow be the ones there and making just any time for me or to text or call me. Worse, that i see them all the time, and even work for my dad. Things are so weird in my family right now! My parents just became empty nesters. My dads biz is currently on the rocks. I am stressed about: money, job, being able to afford things i need. when: my mother sucks my dad dry, his biz money becomes all hers to spend. She makes crazy demands on the guy. She makes guilt trips on all of us. She is cold, can not Fk show love or care towards her 5 kids. WTF and now, she doesnt send me bday greetings. Oh, its not that she wont- im sure later when its convenient she will. But, she can leave me notes demanding i call Dr's for her and random tasks (just b/c i work for my dad, she think i work for her also!). She can text me early on days to not forget to book the limo for our birthday celebration/ lunch in the City- (WTF mom, dad can not afford to send all of us on a birthday fk lunch in the city, nor do any of us want to go, nor did any of us have the option to say NO- and we all know very well Mom that this is all about you and not about us.)
At 35 yo, i am still crying b/c my mom didn't yet wish me happy bday, yes, so that shows me there is much work to be done on my end. And that i am secretly reading books trying to understand that the pain and confusion i have been suffering lately, knowing is not my fault. I am so sad.
That i was raised helping my young mom to be a mom. Feeling more love towards my grandmother, who was warmer and helping in a big way to make me feel better about myself. (altho, for sure, she was not nice at all to her daughter/my mom- they had a crappy RL yet my mom hung around her all the time. letting my Gma help raise me). Not to mention: I helped baby sit all my life, change diapers, leaving me w/ kids, i was a mom, when i was very young. (perhaps why i still don't have kids of my own). But knowing well if and when i do have them, I'll be damned if i dont call or text them on their birthday (or any momentous day). When i got engaged (at 23 yo, since divorced) my mom could barely show me any happiness! When i came home she said "Oh i knew he was going to propose, he told us first" (not in a happy, upbeat way- in a very gloomy weird tone). WTF. i was so upset. I recall being sad about her, and not able to enjoy my happy feeling. Similar to today. Sometimes i wonder if i am being too sensetive, or if she conditioned me to worry and care about her all the time.
My sister feels her absense too. My sister moved up north from city, as she has 3rd bb on the way.... (she went more the route of my mom, w/ kids and such). I am ther all the time helpig and enjoying these babies. I love them so much. I am living in a way through my ssiters family, enjoying helping etc.
Our mother, who lives just down the street- she barely visists, never mind actually help. Unless my sis drops kids off at her house, somewhat forcefully, will my mom ever step in.

The kicker of all- my parents lived w/in 30-40 minutes (at a max maybe 1 hour when i lived one state over) and in the past say 4 years, have only visited me ONCE. when i realized this the other day- i cried so much. I see them all the time, i always invited them, i am so concerned about them. In the past 4 years: i have gone through the hardest, shittiest years of my life. Indeed, my grandma (moms mom) had a massive stroke and is not herself at all anymore, we almost lost her, and i feel i truly really lost a big part of my mom, and my marriage died around that time, also.

I moved out of state after my divorce, and needed a lot of support. My landlady said she would be my second mom, she was more there for me then my own. I was alone there. All alone. sure, my mom would text me, but she didn't dare drive on highways (anxiety!) or do much to make an effort. They all came over ONCE as they happened to be traveling nearby for my golden brothers baseball game. (oh and they travel for him, all over the country! they do)

I met the man of my dreams living there , working on me doing therapy... after dating awhile, i moved down to his place, which was allot closer to my family. I started working for my Dads co which i had done on and off during my upbringing, as he needed the help an offered to match my pay b/c my job was not taking me anywhere at the time, and was too far away. Even my mom seemed to step up- left me a card on my desk saying "Now you dont have to work for that Mean lady anymore... " or something like that. (heh)

Regarless of offers to treat my family to dinner, (b/c they were typically generous hosting things at their houses when my boyfriends family came from over-seas). They never came.

Since i moved yet again, and all my mom could do was to say "Yay your moving closer to me!".... she visited ONCE. and it was b/c i planned a day w/ my sister, to cheer her up, going walking, and getting nails done, and she came over for a bit. it was SO nice. I have a picture of her at my house. And, since then - despite invites over, nothing concrete and my Father has NEVER been over.

Sometimes, i wonder what am i doing. What am i trying to do? What exactly am i trying to hold on to? I crave at times to move far away, start a new life w/ my BF.

His family, they show me so much love, gifts, his mom sending me texts the night before my Bda, to apologize that their gift will be late! can you even imagine- how much that means to me.

This morning, my BF came in my room, with a tray with cupcake/candle, mimosa, card and coffee- singing happy birthday to me! He has a day of surprisess planned- it is amazing!

It is NOT the material items either, the gifts, it is truly the sentiment of love. I do the very same for my BF on his special day- ----- showing him how much i love the guy. How amazing he makes me feel, the great that he brings out in me.

I just wish i can shake my parents out of my head. I am so tired of that record playing on repeat.

Anyhow, here i am having a big fat pity party on my bday ...
Im sure any moment now my mother will text me and make me feel so bad about writing all of this.
She is that predictable.

ps. yep, just after writing this- she did text. But, just happy birthday. No kisses, or wishes. Meh. at least she remembered