About 13 years ago, I had a complete melt down. I was a divorced single mom with no real family support. I had a pretty good life though, great job, great daughter, nice condo, a convertible. I was cute and young. I had lots of reasons to be happy! When out of the blue, I crashed.

As a very young child, my parents were divorced, my mother an alcoholic, drug user, lots of men. I witnessed a lot of this, plus the abandonment from my mother. My father raised me and my sister, remarried when I was 9 to a woman who physically and emotionally abused me.

I witnessed domestic violence in my extended family, being put in harms way. Plus during visits with my mother, saw her abused as well.

Being from a family who absolutely refused to talk about anything. I was a child and was to speak only when spoken too. Nothing was ever resolved. I told my dad once, in a very very long letter, about everything, and he never spoke about it, I don't think he believed me. So I grew up stuffing everything, just surviving. My sister became an alcoholic as well. I married a man who became depressed, violent and abusive, emotionally and physically but have ZERO tolerance for that, so within 3 years we divorced.

Suddenly, I crashed, I was about 32 yrs old. In hind sight I can say it probably came on over about a week or two, this crazy spiral down, but ended one night with all the pain I had stuffed for my whole life coming at me. I couldn't stop it and attempted suicide. Fortunately I failed. I was able to get help but it was a really rough road for a while. The depression was horrible. I was a single mom and HAD to go to work. I would drive to work and sit in the car and gather the strength to get out and walk in. It felt like I was swimming against the current, walking against a strong wind, it was exhausting.

I was put on Prozac and that was a miracle. Within a few weeks it was like someone threw cold water on me and woke me up from a nightmare! I was in therapy, which was somewhat helpful, but sure didn't really solve anything.
I continued the meds, discontinued therapy when my insurance became a nightmare. Then eventually, probably a couple years or so later, went off the meds on my own.

I have done well since. A few bumps, but my new husband was a great support so I got through. Until a few weeks ago. I cant say how long it has been, but a few weeks ago I felt myself really sunk. I felt like that swimming upstream struggle just to get through the day, wanting to climb into bed the moment I walked in the door at home. Not wanting to do anything or go any where. When I talked to my husband about it I just cried. He is wonderful and loves me dearly and is very supportive, but has no real idea what depression is. He didn't know me when I went through the first battle. I am no where near where I was the first time, but don't want to get there!

I went to the GP doctor last week and discussed my migraines and my depression symptoms with him and was put on 20 mg of Prozac. I was a little worried about it, I was questioning my motives, wondering if I am depressed or do I just want attention. But as I brought it up with him, I began to cry uncontrollably and just wanted to curl up in a ball and kind of give up. I began to see how much I was struggling just to get through a single day at a time.

I opted for the Prozac because last time it made me lose weight, and I know some of the others can make you GAIN and I cannot afford to gain any more weight at all. I am having a bunch of funky side affects, jitteriness, jaw clenching at night, funky dreams, a little trouble falling asleep.

It has been a week, and I am beginning to see some small reliefs. I am beginning to be able to concentrate at work, actually finishing things and functioning instead or pouring myself into non-work related net surfing just to occupy my brain. I feel like life is still a big struggle, and cant focus on finances, it stresses me out even though we are financially fine. I am asking my husband to take this over. I start to think about it and then think I cant I cant I cant I cant!

So, that is where I am now. I didn't really ever think I would be back here again. Its a bit frustrating. I don't really want to go back into therapy, I don't think there is anything that can be fixed with counseling. I understand and acknowledge the abuse from my childhood. What else could it help.