Thank you nice people for your posts. I'm doing a lot better. Just knowing this post is here, although I couldn't handle to read it again for a long time, made me feel better. Just to know that somewhere I let out my feelings to others.

pkey, what you recommend is exactly what I know will be good for me. The days I was lost in a passion for some kind of work or hobby were always my happiest and healthiest days. I ironically began to give up my passions, maybe by coincidence, when I began to follow the advice to use your interests to meet people. As much as I like my hobbies or interests, it's rare I like to share it with others unless there's something I really want to share. When I was working on my own hobbies and was pretty happy, I could easily let go those who didn't like me since they were no longer the focus of my life.

I also spend more time browsing the internet than going out, and although I like to go out, I don't like to try to meet people.

BuildABridge, you're so right about not forcing myself to be a certain way. What works for everyone else usually doesn't work for me, and I learn not to trust myself since I want to believe everyone when they say something will work.

About my coworkers, true, I don't plan to stay at this job forever. I made it clear early on that it's only temporary, so I'll enjoy the unusual environment and possibly toxic people for now.

True, I've had people who said they love me do some very unloving things to me before. I find it so terribly difficult to love myself. Ironically, or maybe expectantly, listening to others tell me to love myself always turns out to be me loving myself only because others want me to love myself. Love-ception! Once people stop telling me to love myself, such as I stop reading that advice somewhere, or people begin to show hate towards me, I immediately stop loving myself like a switch.

newday7121, I do think I need to do some soul searching. I came from a childhood with almost no love, although my family members have and always will deny and don't care how I was treated. So, you know... I have to find my own closure on that and somehow continue to be "reborn" into my own independent life. I'm not quite sure yet what love's supposed to feel like. I think I loved myself once, when I was younger and proud of myself just for staying positive everyday. If only I can be that way again, I know I would be much happier. I might be going through a depression right now as well, which is always very difficult to get over.

I feel relieved that these replies show so much kindness, and it's helped pick me up.