awe crap folks...i'm scaring myself!!!

i placed a profile on an adult site...a local guy responded...he asked for my number but i said i was looking for online only and that i wasn't sure how far i'd want to take things. he replied back why don't we just get together and see what happens. his profile says he's 6'2'' and i'm 5'1''! let's see where things go...where ever he'd want to take them!

i know this is a really, really, really bad idea and it's NOT something i'd want to do....i'm not going to follow up with him tonight!! but why am i doing this to myself....

i want to have sex with some stranger because i don't want to have sex!!!! i want to use this to hurt myself ....i don't know what has happened to me in the past month!!!! i've fallen apart

i am a virgin....just throwing that away...maybe even violently...is horrific....but i'm beginning to hate myself that much...bit by bit a little more each day....and the idea is becoming more and more appealing

i don't know who i am any more! this isn't me!!

i'm falling down into an abyss. i'm being fired. i have to consult w/ an attorney because people are telling me i'm being wrongfully terminated. i'm not going to have insurance or income. my T wants me back in the hospital for SI-ing (i think it's stupid - nobody cared when i ate like a hog and gained 150 pounds - but cut a couple times and i need to be committed! i'm more likely to die of a heart attack than a teeny cut!)

everything is stupid and *** backwards!!! everything is messed up!! it's all messed up!!! it wasn't messed up just a few months ago! how did this happen!!!!!!! why is it happening!!!!!!!!

i don't understand any of it...make it all go away...somebody make it go away!!!!