(((((((((((justice & freewill))))))))))))))

justice sent me a very caring pm about this...i replied to her but i thought i might include some of that here...

we haven't set anything up but he sent me his phone number. i'm not going to call tonight. i promise.

there's this split in me...on the one hand, i'm completely terrified to do something like that! i know i would be in completely over my head!! and i'd be scared and he'd know!! logically i know this!!!

but there's the other side of me that hates me so much!!! i want to do something that would devistate me!! and that would!!!!

i am scared!! i'm scared that i'll lose that fear that is keeping me home tonight. i'm scared that one night i'll stop caring completely and i'll call him.

it hurts me that i would even consider it. it hurts me that i put a profile on that site. it hurts me that i posted on its message boards. it hurts me that a man has contacted me wanting to have sex with me! i'm very sad and scared!

i know the simple reasonable answer is not go to the site, not answer a request...but it's like cutting...there's that evil urge to hurt

please forgive me for asking, but i may need to rely on you all to be my voice of reason!!!

because the only voice i'm hearing these days is the one telling me i'm worthless.