(Trigger icon for some mention of SI)

I really need to sort out everything that went on during Friday's session. This seems like the place to do it. I also realize that a lot of the stuff that went on, connection-wise, might be uncomfortable for some people, similarly to the post I made a few weeks ago. I don't mind your honesty. Just please remember it's my session, and I know what's goin' on.

During Tuesday's session we had been talking about my depression, and he asked if I thought it was chemical. I said to him, "I can't believe you just asked me that." My interpretation of Mr. Analysis-No-Pills asking me if my depression could be chemical meant-- "Your depression is resistant to therapy. I don't know what else to do. Let's just chalk it up to biology." However, I didn't tell him this in session.

When I walked in yesterday, I handed him a new poem that I wrote a couple days prior. One part of it even eluded to the chemical thing. He read the poem, we talked about it a little bit, and then he said, "I have something for you." He told me had been reading something and found a passage that reminded me of the comment he made about my depression being chemical. He typed out this small paragraph from a book which ties in the biological elements to the attachment theory. Very interesting stuff. But anyway, he told me he thought he would give it to me because he felt that I might be upset and/or confused about the comment he made last week.

So of course I'm sitting there reading the paragraph trying to conjure up some sort of intelligent comment in regards to the content so that he would think I was brilliant, when really all I could do was sit there dumbfounded that he thought of me in between sessions. So I told him. I told him that I figured since I had no object constancy, neither did he. Only difference is mine hurts, his doesn't. Then he goes: of course I think of you between sessions.

Then I told him about my SI. That I made a cut on my wrist. (I know, I know, bad, bad, bad). I asked him if he was mad. He said, "I'm not angry at you. I am frightened and concerned." On Tuesday right before I had left session, I had asked him if I could call if I needed him, and he said of course. He told me yesterday, "When I didn't hear from you, I was very concerned, especially because you mentioned about calling." I appreciated very much that he felt comfortable disclosing these emotions. This is very important to me because one thing about my SI is that I have always felt that no one really cared. I used to do it so much when I was younger and living at home and no one ever cared enough to try and stop me or distract me, even when they knew it was going on. No one ever wanted to talk about it. They would just sort of pretend it wasn't happening.

I told him some things that I wouldn't have said in the past. I told him how last week was hard because I was so disconnected and then during the session when I used the couch-- after I got off of the couch, I felt so safe and taken care of-- I told him that I felt like he was holding, me, just without physical contact. I told him that I wanted to stay with him for 17 hours. That he could take breaks. He laughed and asked what I would do for 17 hours. I said, "Just sit. Talk sometimes." I felt really safe at that moment.

Towards the end of the session, he reminded me that we really needed to address the fact that I am currently coming 2x per week and when school starts I'll have to switch back to 1x. Obviously that is going to be a horrific transition for me to make, especially in terms of staying connected. He told me he made a list of the dates remaining in which I would come 2x per week until my semester starts again. He handed me the list and I tried to look at the dates, but I couldn't focus or comprehend them. I wanted to tear up the list and throw it at him. He said, "You can't do this right now, can you?" I said, "I hate this list." And he said, "You hate the list or you hate me?" I told him, "Both. You and the list, and the fact that you gave it to me right now." He told me that he knew it would hurt me, but he felt it was really important to address the remaining amount of 2x per week sessions now, rather than a week before we have to end it. I understand that. I handed him back the paper and told him I just couldn't look at it right now, and could he please keep it until next time.

Then he says, "How do you do with classical music?" I told him... you know I love classical music. So he hands me a CD that he copied for me. A Schubert string quartet. Wow. He said, "For one thing, I knew you would be really upset and angry when I talked about the list of sessions, so I wanted to give you something to stay connected. I know how powerful music is for you." I told him I wanted to ask one more question before the session ended. I asked him why he picked this particular piece to give me. He said, "Because I like Schubert a lot. And when I listen to his music, I hear a lot of anger and frustration... but also a lot of beauty. And this piece really reminds me of the way you tell me you want to get back to the things in your life that you love that have been overshadowed by all of the things you are going through."

I looked at him and said, "Please don't say anything more. That was the perfect ending to a session."

I'm listening to the CD as I type this. There is so much emotion in each movement, similarly to the session-- I felt so connected to him in so many ways, then there was that interruption of anger because of the list, then back to this incredible connection when he handed me the CD and explained his reasoning for the choice. I can internalize a connection while listening to something so powerful that I know he loves and knows so well.