Hello, I’ve been suffering from severe clinical depression and anxiety. My depression is really bad right now and I need support; which I cannot get from my friends and family. In fact, I’ve alienated myself from most everyone because I feel like people secretly hate me and think that I’m weird. My family says they don’t know what to do when I ask them for help. My friends are fed up, my best friend said that she can’t help me and doesn’t want to deal with me anymore. I feel so disposable and worthless.

Last night it got really bad, I’m not suicidal, but I want to disappear. I feel so stigmatized, misunderstood, and judged. I feel like my life is never going to get better and that I am always going to be unhappy. People want me to focus on the ‘positive,’ things in my life, like: having a job, being alive, and being pretty (because, life would be much harder if I were unattractive apparently). None of those things are positive to me; this life is not what I want and I don’t feel lucky to be alive and I feel incredibly ugly.

Last September, I lost my baby at 16 weeks gestation, and the impact has hit me hard. The physical loss was hard to deal with, but acceptable, the emotional loss has been traumatic. With that baby went everything I ever wanted and it’s been devastating. People don’t realize that when you lose a child that an entire life dissolves; birthday parties, dance lessons, sports, first days of school, graduation, weddings, etc. Everything I ever wanted felt like it was ripped from me; to be a mother. People say that “you’ll have another baby,” or “maybe your body was telling you that you weren’t ready,” and these things just make me angry and hurt me more.

I used to suffer from depression, after a sexual assault, but this has hit me worse than before. Before I always had hope or a drive to continue with my life; I didn’t want to hurt anyone. Now, I just don’t care. I feel like people would be better off without me. I don’t want to end my life and I don’t have any plans to do so; but, I just want to not exist anymore.
I’m in counseling and I’ve decided to see a psych, but I didn’t want to go on medication. I didn’t want to be on them for the rest of my life. I have yet to find a person who has gone on anti-depressants and not been on them for years. I don’t want a life like that.

I don’t know what to do, I just need support.