The binging cycle is quite normal for those of us who have not accepted that we crave a fetish. Particularly when we feel humiliated by it and start self shaming after indulging in any activity related to the fetish.

There were several things that I did that ended up helping me to accept who I am. First my wife found out about my fetish and refused to participate, in fact she finds it mildly repulsive. Although this put a strain on the relationship, hearing the worst from the person I loved the most showed me that I wasn't going to be rejected for who I am nor was I going to die of shame. I also started becoming involved in online communities. Many fetishes (and BDSM is no exception) have online communities, start out with a mild forum and read about how other people coped with accepting themselves, how they have integrated it into their lives with as little disruption as possible and any other worries you might have. For me this allowed me to realize for the first time how common my fetish really is and the difficulties we shared. Any problem I had has already been a problem for millions of people and I read what worked for them. Finally self help books in self acceptance can help. They are cheesy at times but the fact is we should learn to love ourselves for who we are not try to live up to the standards of someone else.

Anyway after all of that may I ask why you feel disgusted with yourself after masturbation? Is it religious objections? A fear that you will be rejected if it is ever found out? Is it considered unacceptable by your family? Finding out why you feel this way is really going to be the first step in acceptance.