Hello beachbabe29: I am so sorry for your loss. Some hurts are so deep that even the most carefully crafted words can only do more harm. So I will not write much here. You mentioned you are in counseling & that you'll be seeing a psychiatrist. These are wise actions on your part. You have suffered a terrible loss on top of some great previous difficulty it sounds like. It will take time to heal. Please be gentle with yourself. I send warm thoughts your way with the hope that you will be able to find within you a place of deep peace and healing...