Don't you hate it when you think a vacation will be just the thing to help alleviate stress and it turns into nothing but a huge succession of triggers? Furthermore, doesn't it completely suck when you return from said vacation only to feel completely worse off than you did before going?

This past week, I was suppose to be spending a nice restful time in the upper peninsula of Michigan on a fishing trip with my father. I had been lowpointing very badly and am very agoraphobic/socially anxious, so I honestly believed that if I just ventured out and took precaution with the carefully laid out plans discussed between me and my father, I would be all right. In other words, I had planned on relying on Kaptain Klonopin and my meditation techniques to assist in keeping my panic in check for the journey because I really had a strong desire to go.

The very night before I was supposed to leave to take a sparsely passengered bus up there to meet my father, I received a call that plans had drastically changed and alternate plans were made without my input at all. Suddenly, I was to be taking a heavily passengered bus to the very city that was nothing but a big trigger for me, meeting with my sister, staying at her home in the gang-infested core of the city, and being driven up to the campsite by my sister the following day. After spending a few days in the U.P., I was to go back with my sister to the awful city and stay at her house for three days until she could drive me back to my home city across the state.

Now, I know what you're thinking... why just simply not go? Well, the tickets were already purchased and I wanted to go on this trip since I rarely go anywhere or have the desire to go anywhere. I thought if I just sucked it up for just this once, I would come out relatively okay. This was not the case or I would not be writing this.

The only time I haven't had any major panic attacks is when I was in Michigan hanging with my father. There were no people around for miles and I do associate my father's land as a safe zone. A few minor ones, but that is pretty normal for me when I am outside of my own home. Now I'm being plagued by not just major panic attacks, but hardcore flashbacks, extreme hypervigilance (more than usual), and fearful thoughts that something really bad is going to happen. Physically, I feel like a giant hand is squeezing my chest, making it hard to breathe and upon standing or even sitting up, this gets worse and filters into dizziness as well. This does not "come and go" and is pretty constant since I left Michigan and stayed at my sister's house.

Needless to say, I'm rather reluctant to try this vacation thing for a while and am a bit angry that those who know of my conditions chose to make the situation extremely difficult. However, I'm more angry at myself for accepting it anyways and going along with it. I guess I must have misplaced my backbone somewhere that day along with my brain.