Have been having a hard time lately - thoughts to SI are running rampant through my head. I've had a couple of my friends tell me (that know about the SI) that if I'm talking about the urge to do it so much ... that I won't do it. That in itself hurts. I talk about it to relieve pressure, but it's not like I'm free of the urge to do it.

Been washing my hands for extended periods of times in hot water. Not scalding, no burning. Just hot enough that it makes the urges stop temporarily. Is that bad? My skin isn't damaged for it. I just really like the prickly feeling from my nerves all going a tad beserk. I need to feel something to make the urges stop.

I can't journal, I can't find any appropriate way to express how I feel lately. If I don't want to SI, I want to drink. If not that, then I want to restrict my food intake.

It's a nasty cycle.

I don't know what to do anymore. I really miss it. It's odd to miss something that I intellectually know is detrimental to my health, but I don't even care about my health (let alone myself) anymore.

I just want the emotional pain and junk to stop.

What I need is a way to not be stressed. Stress is causing the bad thoughts. When I don't do anything about the urge to SI ... my anxiety shoots through the roof. I've had too many anxiety attacks over the past two months.

I can't talk to T very much. He's under the impression that anger isn't a primary emotion (that anger covers for another emotion but is expressed by anger). It makes very little sense to me. I try to bring up the SI, and he did make me do a contract (which was last week, and am not on one now). It's just like delaying the inevitable.

That's a poor attitude, I know.

I know I need to examine what's causing the urge to SI and all that other junk but it seems like this is never going to end.

Does the addiction ever go away - or is it about the day-to-day choosing to not SI?

I feel like I've screwed myself over. I feel hopeless.

And all I want to do is SI. Bah.

166 days today I believe. Phooey.