Dear Pdoc

4 more sleeps until I finally see you again. You have been on my mind every day. It hurts more and more. I know I don't mean anything to you. And I never will. I won't ever mean anything to anyone. I'll always be alone. It hurts. It's all so hopeless.

I was looking forward to seeing you. But now that it's so close... I want to be mad at you. I want to scream at you. I want to have a fight with you (with words, not with hands). I want to hurt you. Which is so mean of me. You haven't done anything wrong. You're actually one of the nicest men I've ever met. And I don't know many nice/good men.
I know I won't do any of those things. I'll be polite and friendly to you. Usually these thoughts disapear when I see you.
I think I'm just angry at you for being so goodlooking and smart and kind and patient. I'm angry at you because I like you so much and I don't want to.