i have posted before about these things but am doing so again since i still have resolved none of them... and i need to because avoidance is only adding to stress...

#1--teeth.

my teeth are really bad. my shame is still preventing me from going in to the dentist (also it takes me awhile to get there). it is funny how i have less shame around having bad teeth because of drugs, throwing up, genetics, poor nutrition than shame due to poor oral hygiene... still, regardless of the reason, i am ashamed and i have been avoiding. sometimes i figure, hey, i am going to lose my teeth soon, anyway! which is absolutely a ridiculous reason not to go... i have lost so much enamel i barely have teeth left.

#2--housecleaning.

my house is still an absolute disaster. i have got some useful comments about how to get started but i still have not. i did get rid of a garbage bag of stuff, that was a start, given i am a bit of a hoarder... but the mould, dust, etc is terrifying...

#3--parents

i am financially dependent on my parents. disability, but also parents. however, i have not seen family for over 6 months. for my own sanity i have avoided them. my dad keeps texting and i keep ignoring him... he wants to see me... if he gave me a day i could come up with an excuse. but what excuse can i come up for any day?

i know it must seem like i am an awful person for taking money and then not seeing them. they can cut me off, of course. and i have been stuck with guilt around family for far too long... i am not in a place to cut myself off financially, though i have done so before for the sake of my sanity. it is probably more rude to just ignore him... but what do i say? i really think that if i did see him, i would relapse.

tomorrow the drop in dentist place is open... maybe i will finally go... probably not, i have been claiming that i will go for so long....

since i am clean and since this is not directly about drugs perhaps this should not go here. however, i think that addiction is more about life than about substances. and despite 14 months clean, 2 rehab visits, i still do not know how to live... i have heard of people going back to rehab with 2 years clean but i dont know... i dont think it is necessary.... might be helpful...